Helping teens and adults navigate stress and uncertainty with more confidence | Training practitioners to join the mission
Trying to Change your Partner? The More You Push, the Less They Listen
If you’ve been trying to get your partner to change, your effort and determination might be working against you.
We can’t make someone change by pressuring, criticizing, threatening, or shaming them. And yet that’s exactly what I see couples do.
Sometimes, ironically, you have to accept someone as they are if you want there to be any chance of them changing.
If you want someone to hear you, you have to approach them without attacking them.
People are much more likely to listen when they feel a level of respect and goodwill rather than resentment, judgment, or hostility.
(By the way this works the same way for your teenager, family member, parent, coworker…)
Bringing your “softer side” makes it more possible for your partner to hear what you’re actually trying to say.
Sometimes, ironically, you have to accept someone as they are if you want there to be any chance of them changing.
Accepting someone means letting go of the fight to force them to be different.
You can still tell them what you need, ask for changes, and hope they’ll meet you partway.
They still may not become the person you want them to be.
But bringing more respect and goodwill to your conversations is not something you do for them. It’s something that serves you, and your message, most.
It gives you a much better chance of being heard—and of having your partner respond with the same respect and goodwill.
And that’s what both of you want.
That’s what today’s video is about.
erika bugbee
I’m a global coach who works with teens, individuals, couples, and practitioners that are open and motivated to change.
