Helping teens and adults navigate stress and uncertainty with more confidence | Training practitioners to join the mission
When your Teen Stops Caring about School: Listening May Be your Best (and Only) Approach
In my first few years in high school I was a terrible student. I got mostly Cs and Ds with an A or B mixed in (in pottery, badminton, and the occasional literature class). I failed pre-Algebra twice before I passed.
The teacher comments on most report cards were typically ‘Disruptive in class,’ ‘Doesn’t apply him/herself’ and ‘Talks too much.’
Academic skills never came naturally to me and frankly I couldn’t see why grades mattered.
Then classes got harder, and I had no skills.
So I couldn’t manage my time or think ahead, I was disorganized and didn’t pay attention to deadlines, I couldn’t retain anything I read, and I had test anxiety.
And I had no idea how to improve on any of those things.
So even when I tried to take it seriously and do well my grades didn’t show it.
I’d get tests and papers handed back to me with zeros on them written in big red pen. Zeros.
And because I’d genuinely tried to do well, and still did poorly, I was afraid there was something wrong with me, something was missing, or I was stupid.
I was too embarrassed to ask for help even when I wanted it, and I was completely overwhelmed.
I saw a video once of someone dropping a match on a dry christmas tree. As soon as the match hit the tree, it turned into a full raging fire within that very same second.
That’s what school felt like. One moment I was in the 6th grade where I could do well if I simply put in ANY amount of effort.
The next moment the whole place was on fire and I’d lost all control.
“Most young people would rather be seen as a troublemaker or as a rebel than be seen as stupid.”
Rather than risk looking stupid by talking to someone or asking for help, I tried on the ‘I don’t care’ attitude.
I’d seen that attitude in other kids – they were above it all and dismissive about life. They radiated the message that school sucks, adults suck, and anyone that cares about school sucks.
I was so afraid of discovering I might be stupid.
But far worse than that, I was afraid of being seen as stupid.
Deciding I didn’t care about school took that problem off my plate.
Getting into trouble, getting kicked out of class, getting detentions and suspensions were all problems I could handle. Being seen as stupid was not.
So that’s what I did. I disengaged from academics and became defiant and disruptive because it instantly took the focus off my bad grades and school performance.
And that’s the path I see so many teens make.
Most young people would rather be seen as a troublemaker or rebel than be seen as stupid.
In an effort to control the narrative, they become a class clown or a behavioral problem to take the attention off their bad grades and academic performance.
Bad grades look like a choice they made rather than a sign of weakness or brokenness.
For parents, guardians, therapists, or coaches trying to support students that have seemingly stopped caring, it’s important to remember that behind that attitude might be insecurity, overwhelm, and fear.
And maybe that student is too caught up to see it or even look.
I certainly didn’t. I could see it as an adult looking back, but at the time, I even had myself convinced I didn’t care about school or life.
But I can tell you that when I hit 11th grade, I turned my grades around completely. I got straight As that year and my classes were the hardest they’d ever been.
And I had to study much much harder than most of my straight-A peers because I had to learn to study from scratch.
But what started it all was Mr. Thornburgh, my pre-Algebra teacher that was determined to help me pass that class knowing I’d failed it twice (I also think he was also sick of sending me to the office).
He basically pressured me into staying after class almost daily for several months to get back on track.
With his help, I watched my brain connect the dots and my grades go up in math. And it occurred to me I wasn’t stupid, I just didn’t know where or how to start.
That little bit of insight from my own story makes me more interested in understanding my young clients that struggle with school and seemingly stopped caring.
There’s so much more power in focusing on the outlook of a struggling student rather than just focusing on their school performance or motivation.
Sometimes when students are struggling, a little leadership and structure is all they need — a good tutor, some incentivizing, bribery, putting a few rules in place.
But for many struggling students, they need someone who will engage with them and listen enough to understand what’s behind it all without the judgment or fear.
It might be a parent, a coach, or a professional like me.
For me, as an overwhelmed, reactive, and bitter teen, I needed the confidence of someone like Mr. Thornburgh that believed in me and didn’t think I was stupid.
I was affected by his seemingly unfounded confidence in me, and it changed the way I saw myself and what I was capable of. It was honestly a life-changing moment.
Sometimes all people need is someone else to help them find a next step with solid footing. And they can take it from there.
That’s what today’s video is about.
Click below to watch.
erika bugbee
I’m a global coach who works with teens, individuals, couples, and practitioners that are open and motivated to change.
