Helping teens and adults navigate stress and uncertainty with more confidence | Training practitioners to join the mission
Until you’re Out, Be 100% In: How Fully Committing yourself Can Save your Relationship
Until you’re Out, Be 100% In: How Fully Committing yourself Can Save your Relationship
Ever find yourself aimlessly wandering the aisles of the grocery store hoping for that amazing dinner idea to strike you?
There’s an endless web of complexity waiting for you.
You want something healthy, but has to taste good, with high-quality ingredients yet not too expensive, you want to branch out from the stuff you always make, yet you also want a sure thing that doesn’t require you to think too hard.
You can easily spend 45 minutes going down that rabbit hole.
But more importantly, you’ll likely be farther from a solution than when you started. And it’s exhausting.
In the business world there’s a saying “The only thing worse than a bad decision is indecision.”
Most people recognize that indecision spiral at the grocery store and know their minds are over-complicating things.
But where that spiral often goes undetected and un-checked is in relationships.
One of my clients ‘Evan’ is in a long-term relationship but is questioning whether they should stay together.
Their chemistry and connection is amazing, but when they fight, it’s ugly. It’s volatile and fiery in amounts unlike any relationship he’s ever known.
But that’s not the biggest problem.
What complicates things is that every time there’s conflict, he starts questioning the relationship.
Every time they fight about money, sex, the future, their social lives, work-life balance – any time there’s conflict, Evan launches into his relationship doubts.
That alone adds a layer of tension that takes on a life of its own.
Mental spirals can easily create the illusion that we’re doing something productive with our minds. We’re working hard and focusing on a problem that matters. How could that be a bad thing?
While we can’t necessarily control our state of mind, we CAN stop intentionally going into our relationship doubts when we’re already struggling.
In fact what Evan does is optional and is a big hairy relationship-killer.
It’s one thing to get into indecision because you can’t help it or don’t realize you’re doing it, like at the grocery store.
But what I see so often is people like Evan that launch into indecision on purpose.
Evan went into his relationship doubts and insecurities because he thought it would help him find a solution or help him ‘figure things out.’
But it doesn’t work that way.
When it comes to accessing productive and insightful thought, what matters most is where you’re coming from.
When we’re in a state of doubt and indecision, our output is very low-quality.
In contrast, when we’re in a state of clarity and reflection, our perspective on life and relationships is excellent and our quality of ideas and fresh thought is strong.
There’s a time and place to evaluate life. And there’s a time to NOT evaluate life.
Evaluating every time you’re in the heat of a ‘relationship low’ is not the time.
While we can’t necessarily control our state of mind, we CAN stop intentionally going into our relationship doubts when we’re already struggling.
This means we’d commit to being 100% on-board with our relationship until we’re in a state of mind we can trust.
That’s what today’s video is about.
erika bugbee
I’m a global coach who works with teens, individuals, couples, and practitioners that are open and motivated to change.
