Helping teens and adults navigate stress and uncertainty with more confidence | Training practitioners to join the mission
How Letting Go Creates Independent Kids:
Parenting Teens with Trust vs Control
I hear from a lot of parents of teens that struggle with the loss of connection they used to have when their kids were younger.
Lack of connection with teens can happen for a number of reasons. Teens consistently struggle with things like overwhelm, stress, anxiety, depression, or addiction more than other age groups.
And the more someone struggles, the less open they are to connection.
But that’s not the only reason teens become more shut-down toward their parents.
In many cases, I see the parent-teen connection suffer significantly because there’s a rise in tension in their relationship.
When there’s relationship strain between teens and parents, teens typically respond by becoming guarded or secretive around their parents.
Parents will say things like “All I get is one-word answers” “He’s ALWAYS wearing headphones” or “We used to talk about everything and now she’s avoidant and sneaky.”
As parents, we have three jobs: to love, support, and guide our kids.
What’s tricky is that as our kids hit the teen years, they become less receptive to our guidance. They become independent thinkers and want to do life their own way.
My favorite saying as a kid was “You’re not the boss of me.” I think I was seven.
Of course I still needed lots of guidance.
But the older I got, the less guidance I tolerated.
And when my parents didn’t back off, I became stubborn, rebellious, and sneaky.
When my parents finally backed off and gave me some extra space and freedom, I stopped putting all my energy into fighting and resenting them.
And I started paying attention to the life in front of me. And I got better at life.
That’s exactly what happened to the client I describe in today’s video.
‘Emma,’ a 15-year-old, was in advanced math. She was one of the better students in the class but desperately wanted to switch to the easier class because she didn’t like the teacher or the workload. It stressed her out.
Her dad had a huge reaction and initially refused because the advanced class would’ve helped her get into better colleges.
He bought her a new phone to try and incentivize her to put more effort into the harder math class and embrace the challenge.
When that didn’t work, he tried taking the phone away.
That didn’t work either. So he resorted to using fear, guilt, and disappointment to influence her.
Nothing changed her mind. In fact she just got more resistant, stopped doing her assignments, and hid her grade reports.
As kids get older, they need less and less guidance, if any. And you’re left with the task of simply loving and supporting them.
I met with him and he decided to make his pitch to her about why he thought she should take the harder class. And then told her if she still wanted to switch to the easy class, he’d fully support that.
Here’s what’s interesting.
On her own, she decided to stick with the harder class after all. But she did it because SHE wanted to.
She ended up getting a C in the class (she’d been an A-student). But that was the best she could do, and it was a trade-off she thought was best.
Sometimes teens need the space to think for themselves and make mistakes. When Emma had the chance to weigh the factors on her own, it created the opportunity for a more sensible and mature side of her to come out.
If parents are overbearing and controlling, teens never have a chance to reflect on their decisions because they’re too busy fighting and resisting. They never get the opportunity to find their own clarity and practice being independent thinkers.
What I want to point out here is that just as often, I see parents give their teens the freedom to make big decisions on their own and their kids make messes, or make mistakes.
I want to suggest that those mistakes provide just as much value and life experience as when they take the ‘right’ paths (and sometimes more).
I talk to hundreds of successful, happy, fully-functioning adults every year that mention classes they failed, bad decisions they made, and mistakes that had big implications in their lives.
And those moments that looked like failures at the time ended up shaping them, building character, or reminding them to work harder.
Sometimes being involved in our kids’ lives is what’s needed – we give guidance and structure, and it works. And that’s a big part of parenting.
But there’s a point at which guidance stops working. And that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or your kid is uncooperative or broken.
As kids get older, they need less and less guidance, if any. And you’re left with the task of simply loving and supporting them.
Especially when they make mistakes. That’s maybe the most important role we will ever have as parents.
That’s what today’s video is about.
erika bugbee
I’m a global coach who works with teens, individuals, couples, and practitioners that are open and motivated to change.
